Let the Nightmares Begin!

It's only November 30th, and they have already begun. Bah! It's going to be a long December...

Peace,

~b~

No Brainer

Hmmm. The handicapped stall with a drop of urine on the seat or a super small, clean stall? No brainer - the small stall. One important decision made today!

Peace,

~b~

Meds or No Meds?

The holidays have ALWAYS been extremely difficult for me. I have never liked Christmas and have a illogical phobia of Christmas trees. I am proud to say that I put up two this year all by myself and decorated them, one at the office, one at home. That was a very big deal (YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE), and I did it - TWICE!

Usually around September or October I start taking anti-depressants (or extra anti-depressants) so that they can build up by Christmas. The past two years I haven't done that, and it has been rough, but not as bad as I thought it would be when I look back on it. By the time things start really getting bad, it is November, and I am scrambling to get a prescription written and the meds don't kick in in time anyway.

Again this year I am not taking ANYTHING. It is a good feeling, but I feel bad for Janya as she has to live with me. I know I will hear many times, "Don't ya think ya should have just taken the meds?" But it is just something I have to do; I can't explain it. It is a fight I have to win, to get to the end of the dark tunnel and into the light in January. Well, actually, I don't usually feel back to "normal" until around February.

So do any of you take meds just for the holidays? Should you be and you don't? How do you get through it?

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I know I did!

Peace,

~b~

Now Playing in My Head

Suddenly fishin' wasn't such an imposition, and I went three times the year I lost my dad...

Complexity and Smelling Smoke

Do you know what this is? If you guessed a fly's eyes, you are incorrect. These are the eyes of a Daddy Long Legs spider. When I look at this picture, I wonder how is it that people do not believe in a god. If a head of a Daddy Long Legs looks like this close up, just think how complex my OCD would look if you could actually observe it under a microscope. And if my OCD was tangible, how many dimensions would it be? It makes my brain hurt just to think about it.

That's why I don't want to know every little thing about my OCD. I am happy just to know the important stuff like: what triggers it and how do I cope with it? I really don't care why I have it and how it got here because it is going to be here no matter what. I am constantly accused of over analyzing things in my life, even analyzing episodes of the Everybody Loves Raymond TV show. I am always saying, "That doesn't make sense." But somehow the one thing that makes sense in my life is my OCD. For me, I believe it evolved into a coping mechanism growing up. I worried about things that most normal kids would never worry about. I see my youngest daughter dwelling on and worrying about the same things and it worries me.

By the way, do any of you smell smoke when it's not there?

Two years ago this Thanksgiving I spent much of Thanksgiving alone, away from my family. I am so glad I don't have to go through that againg. I hope that all of my readers are able to spend time with family and friends this week. If not, please pick up the phone and call someone special.

Peace,
~b~

Sad and Happy at the Same Time

Peace,

~b~

Cutting Memories

Recently I have gotten blotches on my arms. It has been driving me nuts. At work the other day, I was looking at the blotches and noticed two faint scars: one on top of my right arm, one on top of my left. These were left from cutting years ago. It struck me how close to my wrists these cuts really were. What kept me from turning my hands over and cutting my wrists? Why did I want to bleed but not to death? Does it matter? Isn't cutting bad no matter where it is?

I tried to think back on when those incidents took place. When I was younger I could look at the scars and remember the cutting incidents in chronological order, when it was, where I was, and what prompted me to do it. Now it seems so long ago, I really can't remember. And that is a good thing. Time really does heal some wounds, not just the ones on the outside.

Peace,

~b~

Looking Ahead

Looking forward to Saturday, rain or shine. Janya and I are going to Brenham to visit the monastery there and their miniature horses and to visit a winery. We need this trip so badly. You have absolutely no idea! Just hope it doesn't rain too much to force us to cancel. Have a great weekend! Oh, well, there's always an alternative - going to see the movie Unstoppable.

Peace,

~b~

How I Feel Today

Peace,

~b~

Checking In

I'm doing pretty well right now with managing the OCD. The stress level in our home has gone down about 80% this week. That helps. Trying to jump start a side business. A lot more work to do with that.

Peace,
~b~

How I Feel Today

How I Feel Today

How I Feel Today

Jealousy

It's My Fault

It was around 1999. I liked her the first time I met her. She had come to pastor our church. We had lost our minister after 15 years and gone through a few interims who should have handed in the towel years ago. No one could fill this minister's shoes. And then she came along. Everything was going to be better. She was going to make everything right again. Our membership would soar and the pews would be filled.

Wrong. She stepped in and the church went to you know where. She was a strict conservative and the majority of our members were quite liberal. Some left immediately upon hearing she was appointed, scattering like roaches when the lights come on. Others gave her one shot at it. Most of the remaining members started leaving, and we were down to just a few faithful followers who had been in that church since Ford invented the motor car. Well, not that long. It just got worse. She didn't want to do anything we had done before, nothing. Our worship service changed, order and content. Our fellowship time changed. My ex and I left the church. About a year later she was forced to resign.

Anyway, I said a few things about her that I probably shouldn't have. She did have some big shoes to fill, but my goodness, she wouldn't even allow "In the Garden" to be played at people's funerals. No one is going to tell me what I can have played at my funeral. Well, I'll be dead, but you know what I mean.

Fast forward to this year. I am involved in e-prayer from that church. Hundreds of people from the past and present at that church are on it. I like it because I get to hear about people I knew long ago. I haven't seen her for at least 10 years now. This woman's son, who is in his 20's, has been battling lymphoma for well over a year now. Just out of college, he was looking forward to his life, I'm sure: good job, a wife, and family. It wasn't meant to be.

Thurday, after about 18 months and lots of prayer from the church who forgave this woman for being such a lousy minister, I got the e-mail I had been hoping for. The young man was now in remission and doing extremely well. The doctors were going to have to continue being very diligent with his case, but at least he was getting some time to rest, with no treatments, some time to actually enjoy his life. I was so happy for her whole family.

Then Friday morning, I got another e-mail. Her husband just dropped dead in their house that morning. Wow. Guess who feels guilty for that? Me. Ugh.

Peace,
~b~

How I Feel Today

Wordless Wednesday

(P.S. Switch the Pepsi to Diet Dr. Pepper.)

What's In My Head

My youngest had a story to tell. One of the homeschool moms caught a black widow spider for her science class. She fed it a live cockroach. I cannot get it out of my mind. So as usual, around and around it goes Bah!

Today I feel like...

I'm stuck in an elevator. I can't go up; I can't go down.

Peace,

~b~

In My Head Today

U.S. issues alert for Americans in EuropeBy the CNN Wire Staff

Washington (CNN) -- The U.S. State Department has issued a travel alert for U.S. citizens in Europe, based on information that suggests that al Qaeda and affiliated organizations continue to plan terrorist attacks. Americans are warned to be aware of their surroundings and protect themselves when traveling.

One senior U.S. official said earlier that in addition to the travel alert from the State Department, "U.S. military installations are taking prudent precautions. This is a serious situation."

You can read more about it here.

Great, just great. My brother and his wife are in France right now, and my parents left Paris this morning, and, hopefully, will land safely in Budapest about three hours from now. My dad is like me, he worries about EVERYTHING. I just hope he hasn't read the news; it will spoil his whole trip.

Peace,
~b~

In My Head Today

Today I went to my 93-yr-old grandmother's place to eat lunch with her and take her to Stein Mart for some shopping. She is starting to walk really slow now. I found myself becoming impatient with her pace, and then in my head I heard, "Don't rush her. If you do, she will die, and you will wish you hadn't."

At Stein Mart she walked and walked from display to display. We must have been in there over an hour. She couldn't find a blouse she was looking for after having returned one. I found myself picking blouses out for her, again, trying to move the slow process along. And, again, I heard, "If you rush her, she is going to die, and you will wish you hadn't."

I dropped her off on the sidewalk and watched as she walked slowly away, each painfull step hurting her knee. Wondering if it's the last time I will see her again. I hate the guilt, and one day, certainly, she will pass away. Will it be after a weekend when I "rushed her" and make me feel guilty? Or will it be after a weekend when I didn't drive the 45 miles to see her at all and make me feel guilty? Either way, I'm screwed.

And, no, we never did find a blouse she liked.

Wordless Wednesday

Name That Image!

Well, no one got last week's Name That Image. It was Gnip Gnop, which is Ping Pong spelled backwards. To learn more about the game click here.This week's Name That Image is a game from 1967. It is a type of Ouiji board that has a special name. See the holes around the board? You put tarot cards in those. Above the cards is a track for a black marble to roll around. You choose whether to read the letters where the marble stops or the card where the marble stops. All of this while the eye in the center watches everyone at the table.

This game was all the rage back then. Today, it would probably be black balled by parents and the company would be boycotted.

I do have a story about the night I learned this game. I was taken along by my parents to their friends' house, and, of course, the kids go away and leave the parents alone. The friends' daughter was much older than me. I was five; she was at least 13. She and her friend introduced me to the game. Of course, the lights were out so the glow-in-the-dark eye would scare me half to death. I really believed it could tell my fortune.

At that time, the creepy soap opera Dark Shadows was very popular, and a teenage actor on the show named David Hennesy was on it. Well, these girls were big time into David Hennesy. I remember they had stacks of teen magazines with his picture on it.

Somehow these girls got the young actor's phone number in Los Angeles, or so they say. They elected me to be the one who said, "Is David there?" when someone picked up the phone. I remember going home thinking that I had done something against the law and was going to be arrested.

Anyway, who knows the name of this game? Hint: Its name sounds like a religion that is very popular with celebrities right now.

Peace,

~b~

How I Feel Today

Therapy

Okay, I don't have one iota of talent in the art department, but I have been pretty down the past couple of days. I thought painting with water colors might help. Here is the first one. I love just sitting down to a blank, white piece of paper and covering it with colors even if it makes no sense. It is relaxing. And who knows, maybe someday I will use one for the cover of my novel.

Peace,
~b~