Now Playing In My Head

She'll be comin' 'round the mountain when she comes. She'll be comin' 'round the mountain when she comes. She'll be comin' 'round the mountain, she'll be comin' 'round the mountain. She'll be comin' 'round the mountain when she comes.

Well, it's more like hummin' actually.
Peace,
~b~

Wordless Wednesday

It's Over

Christmas Day is over. I made it. Thank you, God.

Crescendo

Right now I am at the top of the crescendo. I hope it doesn't get any worse. I will be glad when I can coast my way down. Thank you, Janya, for being such a good listener.

On My Mind Today

Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat

That is all...

Just Putting It Out There

Life is crazy right now. Last night I broke down and cried for half an hour. There is never enough time in a day. Yeah, I know you are all going to say "I told ya so. You should have ordered the meds." I don't feel great this morning, but better than yesterday.

My grandmother is in ICU in Florida, with no family around her. As soon as I heard this on Monday, my thought was "I didn't send the recap." You see, each week I mail my grandmother a recap from The Amazing Race from the Mrs. Loudshoes blog. Things have gotten so hectic around here, that I had not had time to print it out for last week's episode, so there you go. Of course, something should happen to her and I feel like it's my fault.

I have since said it outloud and on this blog. Hopefully, that will take care of it.

Yesterday, absolutely nothing could go my way - nada. Today my wish is for just one thing to: be easy, work the first time, be self-explanatory, function properly, be delivered on time by a friendly delivery person without complaints.

I picture myself manually wheeling a wheelchair (with me in it) up a steep hill. I can't get out of the wheelchair, and my progress up that hill totally depends on the weight of my load and the amount of strength I possess.

Okay. Pity party over. Back to work. I hope all of my readers have a great Thursday!

Race y'all to the top of that hill!

Peace,
~b~

On My Mind Today

Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won.

Weekend Update

Janya and I snuck away for twenty-four hours for an overnight in Lake Charles. I was a lot of fun; boy, did we need it with the last few months we've had! I was a bit concerned about the flooring in the casinos causing problems with my OCD - click here to read about my panic attack in Vegas - but I did okay.

We made it out of Houston Friday afternoon with very little traffic, which put us in good moods. But then, I got a text that upset me, and my mood went downhill from there. We were pretty silent for about 30 minutes, and I was able to get my spirits back up when we realized that we were about an hour ahead of schedule.

Now, if I can just stop thinking about Clint on The Apprentice (see post above.) I brought it up in the car for the umpteenth time last night - Janya's response was, "Oh, no, here we go again" - and I made a vow to Janya that I wouldn't say it again, how he should have won, blah, blah, blah. But I told her, "I am not going to say it again, but I just want you to know that I am thinking it." Do any of you ever hear that "oh, no, here we go again" line from your family or friends?

If you want to hear more about our trip, just e-mail me, and I 'll send you a link to my personal blog. I hope to put the highlights up there soon. I try to just address OCD on Around and Around.

Peace,
~b~

Exposure Therapy

I did MAJOR exposure therapy Friday night, and I did it all by myself, no therapist! AND I am continuing it indefinitely because the items in questions have become a permanent fixture in our household. It's an everyday struggle that I hope will get better. What's my level? Around a 6 right now.

Peace,

~b~

It's 6:33 a.m. (does anyone else announce times by the minute?), and I would much rather be back wrapped in my new, warm comforter. For the second day in a row, I have to go in early. Bah!

And no nap or workout tonight, either. We are having a Toys for Tots party and there is still so much to do. I find myself looking forward to the party being over instead of it beginning. Then I can change my endless questions to past tense: Was the food okay? Did I cook enough? Did my guests have fun? Why did they leave so early? Did the apartment look okay? Was the temperature okay? Why was so-and-so so quiet? Do I have to clean all this up now?

And then afterwards, I usually analyze all the conversations I heard during the evening: I can't believe she said that. That was an interesting comment she made. Did you hear _____? Blah, blah, blah.

So why do I put myself through all this? Because parties around here are few and far between. I think the last get together we had may have even been last Christmas. So I will rock on through today and tomorrow. I'm actually so swamped at work right now that it's getting easy to push the questions to the back of my brain at times. But give me a minute's peace and quiet, and the record repeats itself. Bathroom breaks are the worst!

Hoping you all have a wonderful weekend!

Peace,

~b~

Wordless Wednesday

Let the Nightmares Begin!

It's only November 30th, and they have already begun. Bah! It's going to be a long December...

Peace,

~b~

No Brainer

Hmmm. The handicapped stall with a drop of urine on the seat or a super small, clean stall? No brainer - the small stall. One important decision made today!

Peace,

~b~

Meds or No Meds?

The holidays have ALWAYS been extremely difficult for me. I have never liked Christmas and have a illogical phobia of Christmas trees. I am proud to say that I put up two this year all by myself and decorated them, one at the office, one at home. That was a very big deal (YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE), and I did it - TWICE!

Usually around September or October I start taking anti-depressants (or extra anti-depressants) so that they can build up by Christmas. The past two years I haven't done that, and it has been rough, but not as bad as I thought it would be when I look back on it. By the time things start really getting bad, it is November, and I am scrambling to get a prescription written and the meds don't kick in in time anyway.

Again this year I am not taking ANYTHING. It is a good feeling, but I feel bad for Janya as she has to live with me. I know I will hear many times, "Don't ya think ya should have just taken the meds?" But it is just something I have to do; I can't explain it. It is a fight I have to win, to get to the end of the dark tunnel and into the light in January. Well, actually, I don't usually feel back to "normal" until around February.

So do any of you take meds just for the holidays? Should you be and you don't? How do you get through it?

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I know I did!

Peace,

~b~

Now Playing in My Head

Suddenly fishin' wasn't such an imposition, and I went three times the year I lost my dad...

Complexity and Smelling Smoke

Do you know what this is? If you guessed a fly's eyes, you are incorrect. These are the eyes of a Daddy Long Legs spider. When I look at this picture, I wonder how is it that people do not believe in a god. If a head of a Daddy Long Legs looks like this close up, just think how complex my OCD would look if you could actually observe it under a microscope. And if my OCD was tangible, how many dimensions would it be? It makes my brain hurt just to think about it.

That's why I don't want to know every little thing about my OCD. I am happy just to know the important stuff like: what triggers it and how do I cope with it? I really don't care why I have it and how it got here because it is going to be here no matter what. I am constantly accused of over analyzing things in my life, even analyzing episodes of the Everybody Loves Raymond TV show. I am always saying, "That doesn't make sense." But somehow the one thing that makes sense in my life is my OCD. For me, I believe it evolved into a coping mechanism growing up. I worried about things that most normal kids would never worry about. I see my youngest daughter dwelling on and worrying about the same things and it worries me.

By the way, do any of you smell smoke when it's not there?

Two years ago this Thanksgiving I spent much of Thanksgiving alone, away from my family. I am so glad I don't have to go through that againg. I hope that all of my readers are able to spend time with family and friends this week. If not, please pick up the phone and call someone special.

Peace,
~b~

Sad and Happy at the Same Time

Peace,

~b~

Cutting Memories

Recently I have gotten blotches on my arms. It has been driving me nuts. At work the other day, I was looking at the blotches and noticed two faint scars: one on top of my right arm, one on top of my left. These were left from cutting years ago. It struck me how close to my wrists these cuts really were. What kept me from turning my hands over and cutting my wrists? Why did I want to bleed but not to death? Does it matter? Isn't cutting bad no matter where it is?

I tried to think back on when those incidents took place. When I was younger I could look at the scars and remember the cutting incidents in chronological order, when it was, where I was, and what prompted me to do it. Now it seems so long ago, I really can't remember. And that is a good thing. Time really does heal some wounds, not just the ones on the outside.

Peace,

~b~

Looking Ahead

Looking forward to Saturday, rain or shine. Janya and I are going to Brenham to visit the monastery there and their miniature horses and to visit a winery. We need this trip so badly. You have absolutely no idea! Just hope it doesn't rain too much to force us to cancel. Have a great weekend! Oh, well, there's always an alternative - going to see the movie Unstoppable.

Peace,

~b~

How I Feel Today

Peace,

~b~

Checking In

I'm doing pretty well right now with managing the OCD. The stress level in our home has gone down about 80% this week. That helps. Trying to jump start a side business. A lot more work to do with that.

Peace,
~b~

How I Feel Today

How I Feel Today

How I Feel Today

Jealousy