This post is dedicated to my grandmas

I am fortunate and blessed that I still have both of my grandmas with me, well into their 90s.

First, my maternal grandma:

What can I say? She is my best friend. When I left my husband and my girls in 2008, I stopped calling her. She wondered why, but she knew in her gut why. She refused to accept my absence from her life. She said, "No matter what, I still love you."

People don't understand why I am so close to her after everything her husband did to me. I really can't answer that. In my heart, I know that she always knew but refused to believe it. She has always stood by me in everything else. I really think that if I had come right out and said it, she would have supported me, but I was too afraid to try. I always obsess when I haven't talked to her in awhile, obsessed that I would cause her death. She's in her 90s; it's going to happen soon.

My paternal grandmother:

When I was 3 weeks old, my dad had a major accident with his eye and had to be hospitalized. She took care of me. It is an unspoken understanding that because of that, I will take care of her on her deathbed. She is petrified of death at almost 96 years of age. I feel that when she is at that place, between life and death, that I am the only one who can help her make that crossing. I was with her when her husband was at death's door. I see her every other weekend, taking her on errands, playing Rummicube with her and her friends. When she doesn't feel well, I can get it out of her, that she doesn't feel well. I truly enjoy spending time with her. I have the same obsession with her; if I don't call her, I feel that I will cause her death.

Both grandmas live in the same town. I absolutely have to see both grandmas in one trip, or I feel the one I haven't seen will die. It's a guilt I have to let go of. It's going to happen, and it's not going to be my fault.

So to both of my grandmas, I want to say I love you both. Maybe not in the same way, but you both have a special place in my heart for different reasons. I try to find comfort in the fact that I have brought some joy into their lives. I am constantly asking myself the questions,"Which one will die first?" Does it matter? It shouldn't. I can't write the future. Only God knows that outcome. All I can pray is that I did the best I could at making their lives as fulfilling as possible. I believe I have.

Under the Boardwalk

Long Time No See

I know I have been neglecting this blog, but things have actually been quite bearable in the OCD world, except for the facts that "Under the Boardwalk" has been playing in my head for a week and a half after Clay Aiken sang it on Celebrity Apprentice.

In other OCD news, I have been waiting for over a month now to receive a contract for a job which is hopefully going to start this summer. Notice I didn't say "patiently" waiting. Every time my "You've Got Mail" tone goes off on my phone, I say, "Please let it be her." But it's not. I have another position for Plan B, but this job is really my first choice.

And now, starting this week, my newest obsession is this: J and I went to Austin this weekend to see a friend of mine I just reconnected with after 30 years. We drove all the way from Houston. We didn't know anyone else there besides my friend and her husband (whom we had met once). We were very polite, talkative, had a nice visit with others, met their kids, didn't get drunk or rowdy. We did leave after 2 hrs (3-hr party), but we were not the first to leave. That evening on FB I thanked them for their hospitality, said we had a good time. I did not get a response. We play Words with Friends, so this week while we were playing I wrote, "Enjoyed the visit very much and meeting your precious kids." Still no response. Now I am obsessing that for some reason my friend is mad at me. I know it is not logical. Of course! OCD is anything but logical! But I worry and worry about it to the point that I am considering not playing the game anymore. It has taken my fun out of it and playing with others, as well. J said that she wouldn't play the game with me if we had done something to offend them.

What are your latest obsessions?

Dentist Appointment #2

A few weeks ago, I went to the dentist for the first time in five years. For two reasons. One, I haven't had dental insurance in three years; two, I am petrified of dentists. I don't like things in my mouth, for reasons I would rather not go into. Also, when I was 12 yrs old, I had a bad experience under "goofy gas." I was given way too much and I will never forget it.

So for my first visit I borrowed a Xanax from my sister-in-law. She told me to be sure to "only take half." I took one half before we left the apartment. Thirty minutes later, it wasn't kicking in, probably from nerves, so I took the other half. When I went inside and my phobia was relayed to the dentist, I was given gas for the x-rays and cleaning. Such a baby, I know. I swear, I didn't even feel the gas ever kick in, either. My gums were so angry by the end, the doctor told me I had to come back in a few weeks to have a light cleaning after the swelling went down, to make sure they hadn't missed something. My partner drove me home, wide awake. About an hour later, I fell asleep on the couch and didn't wake up for hours.

Yesterday I went back for my follow-up. I had to drive myself this time, so no Xanax and no goofy gas. It was a miserable experience but I did it! It felt good to get it over with, to know that something I had been dreading for so long was over. I am going to try my best to force myself to go back in four months so that the buildup never gets that bad again. Another good report: I have no cavities. Two teeth on the bottom front have some bone loss, so I have to work extra hard the next four months to help build them back up.