Thinking Too Much

Yesterday was Christmas. It wouldn't be Christmas in our family without drama. I was driving my grandmother home after she pitched a pretty big fit about wanting to leave NOW. But she is 98 years old, so I think she has earned the right to feel down, get tired and say things she doesn't mean to say. It's just that it upsets other family members and ends what is supposed to be a joyous day with a chaotic and overwhelming bang.

It's about a 20 minute drive from my parents' house to my grandmother's assisted living residence. Down lazy and winding country roads, past farm houses and new subdivisions. There are even a few hilly areas, which seems out of place in our area. As I listened to my grandmother sob and blow her nose in an old handkerchief bordered with cross stitched apples, I became cold and callous.

She said that she only came because it was Christmas. I'm not coming at Easter; I'm staying home. I told her Easter was a long way off and we would talk about it then. She was feeling old and sorry for herself, like she was too much trouble because she wanted to leave early and everyone had to back their cars out of the driveway so I could take her home. I can't imagine living 98 years, being so terribly tired every day, every muscle and bone in my body aching. Just taking 50 steps to the car must be exhausting. Forgetting little things, not big ones. Things that matter, that make your day function as it should. Where I laid the cup, which direction the key goes, misplacing the cap of the toothpaste on the counter. Grandma is almost completely blind. She feels her way through dresser drawers, clothes on hangers, the perfect towel or nightgown for what she needs.

And as I drove closer to her home and listened to her whine and complain and feel like nobody loved her, I thought about all the heartache and grief I have given my family. The pain I set in motion by deciding to live and stay here on earth but leave my husband and children behind. The financial burden I have caused, what my children went without, and the many women who replaced me as mother in their lives. Some of our relationships have healed, but they will never be the same. I did that. By deciding to live.

And as I listened to Grandma and to my feel-sorry-for-myself thoughts, I saw a bridge in the distance. I thought to myself how easy it would be to just veer to the left, hit the bridge and go off the side. Left because I would hit first; Grandma would have a chance if it was God's will. I could take care of two "problems", two "inconveniences" in one simple motion of my hand.

But I didn't, and I am still here. We both are. For today.

~b~

What is a Trigger Warning For?

I mean, I know what a trigger is when you're posting something somewhere, something that might trigger bad feelings or bad memories and such, but I mean, what is the point of it?

I joined several FB pages a few months back. I have to admit that initially I did it for the publicity, to get my blog and You Tube Channel out there and later on my novel. But then I kind of got involved, you know, with certain people, their stories, their lives, their problems. It's interesting to read about the different types of OCD, different treatments, different medications and, in general, how other people deal with OCD in their lives.

Then I started noticing trigger warnings, not just on the OCD pages, but also on the depression and Women Helping Each Other type pages. I tried to post something and was told I couldn't post it without a trigger warning.

So I started looking more closely at the FB pages I was on. Almost every post says "Trigger Warning" and then the person writes their message in the comments. If they don't do this, they are reprimanded by other posters, "You should have put a trigger warning!"

Okay, so if that's the case, how does one know if the content is a trigger or not without reading it first? Some people are even told to put "POSSIBLE trigger warning." lol Now it's all I see, all I think about, la da da da da. It's OCD, people! It seems odd to me that in group where you're supposed to share your concerns and fears, you have to put warnings to do so. How do people think they are going to get better by avoiding the very disorder they have?

I linked one of my videos about dreaming about my funeral in a group and it was taken down because the admin said it could have "triggered thousands of followers to worry about death." Really? So I'm responsible for causing thousands of people to worry about death? Sorry, but I don't think I have that kind of power.

So I've gotten out of most of the FB groups I was in; kept a few that have trigger warnings once in awhile, but not every post.

Thanks for listening to my rant.

Namaste,

~b~

Ebola

This is hitting a little too close to home right now as we live in Texas and my partner is going to be in Arlington sometime in the next couple of weeks. I have bitten my nails down to the quick, making it painful to even type this out. Anyone else worried about this disease?


I'm angry for two reasons. 1) the patient that died and the current patients in Dallas were not/are not going to be flown away from Dallas and taken to the same hospitals where the doctors who recovered were treated in special facilities. They flew the doctors from across the ocean to the U.S. for specialized care and they each survived. 2) President Obama continues to allow people to fly into the U.S. from countries in Africa where Ebola is killing people every day.


Political correctness and money, that's all I'm going to say on the subject.

Pretty Pathetic

Last night I dreamt I invented a phone app that would show you your funeral. Sometimes I wonder what my funeral/memorial service will be like. Will I be in a coffin or will I be cremated? I haven’t even written a will yet, but I would like to be cremated; I think it’s less expensive.



I also wonder how many people or who will attend my funeral, if, in fact, there is any service at all. I’m really ambivalent about there being a service as I feel no one would attend. But even more worrisome, is that people will attend just for show, because it’s expected. I wonder about the music that will be played. Sometimes I hear a song and I find myself jotting it down to be played at my funeral. If my family is reading this, the songs can be found on the notepad in my Iphone.



But of all the things about my funeral or lack of one, the most upsetting thought is what will be said about me. I would rather nothing be said (except for scripture verses about death and the afterlife) than things that are not true. I don’t want, "She was a good partner, mother, friend, etc." I feel those are untrue. I don’t want, "She was kind, caring, loving, etc." I feel those are untrue.



Maybe I should just write my own eulogy. It would go something like this:

She was on this earth to learn and enjoyed learning as well as teaching others. She wanted her children and partner and family to be happy and live life to the fullest. She found joy in small things like picnics, walking her dogs, lunches with friends, and singing. She found joy in the big things like having children, going to college, writing a book and reuniting with the love of her life. She never really figured out what to believe as truth, but she knows it now, as we all will. She accepted everyone and finally revealed her true self at the age of 46. She was a hard worker and always tried to meet her obligations but was ready to move on to another realm.



That’s really all the truth that can be said about me from someone else’s point of view. Pretty pathetic. Have you ever thought of your own funeral?

What's Up With Me

I'm doing okay this week. My latest obsession has subsided now since Joan Rivers passed. While she was in the hospital, I was constantly checking to see if she had died. I didn't even care for her. I liked her okay in her early years when she was making fun of herself and her marriage. But she went way too far when she made the joke about Michelle Knight and the other two girls who were kidnapped and held for years and years as sex slaves.


And while I feel they are both shallow people sometimes, I saw her daughter, Melissa, on  I'm a Celebrity. Get Me Out of Here, and I was amazed at her strength of character on that island. She was very sensitive and giving to others and stood firm on her convictions. Would not put up with bullying, etc. Don't know much about her in "real life."


Below is my latest video on how my therapist helped me in CBT with a couple of rituals I had. Hope it helps someone out there.

Asymmetrical

I bought this necklace the other day for 70% off. Now I see it's not symmetrical and it's driving me nuts. No wonder it was $5. Sigh.

Obsessing About Someone Else

My latest video. It's about the first time I found myself obsessed with another person. Please feel free to comment or ask questions. Thanks.

I am now on You Tube. Check out my first video!

What the Ice Bucket Challenge Taught Me

Sometimes I wonder why the hell I'm on social media at all. Yes, it's been great to reconnect with people from my past - well, some of them, that is.  You could have knocked me over with a feather when my first ex-husband had the audacity to friend request me on Facebook.


I've been on Twitter for about a year - wow, didn't realize it has been that long already. In a year, I don't think anyone has ever retweeted or favorited a tweet of mine. I think I've gotten two responses from my tweets - both were from celebrities.


I still don't get what's so great about Twitter. I mean, just when you are about to get out what you want to say (this post will show how long-winded I am), your character counter is running down to zero, and you have to back up and delete words or phrases, replacing them w/ abvns lk ths. I basically follow celebrities on it. I have trouble figuring out who is talking to whom, and the short keys and emojis are hard for me to follow. Not to mention that quite a few celebrities, e.g.. Cher, et al. have dyslexia and their writing is extremely hard for me to understand. I mean, really, follow her on Twitter and tell me what she is saying. Have you ever followed Mara Wilson, the ex-actress from Mrs. Doubtfire and Matilda? She is the re-tweeting queen and will make your head spin. I bet she retweets 100 x per day.


Other than getting together with my roommate from college and some people from high school that I NEVER hung around with, I haven't seen any of the 199 + people from my past in person. The other 50 people or so are people I have met within the past five years or so, e.g. co-workers, softball teammates, my partners' friends, my family.


So when my brother posted a video two days ago nominating me for the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, it confirmed what I already knew - I have no close friends. I mean, really, who am I going to nominate? My partner, yes, but where would I find two other people?


My kids and parents have already been nominated. I feel like I would be the laughing stock of FB if I nominated someone I never see. The dialogue I envision would be like this:


B.M. - why would B nominate me? I haven't seen her since high school?


A.R. - why would B nominate me? Doesn't she have any close friends?


S.A. - why would B nominate me? I only worked with her one year and I probably will never see her again.


ALL: Doesn't B have a life?


So instead of videotaping myself nominating my one person, my partner, and being embarrassed about it, I simply made a contribution to. www.alsa.org. And when it asked the question, "Ice Bucket Challenge?" - I checked the box "no."


It sucks not having a close friend. Someone who would call on Friday and say, "Hey, I'm going to IKEA tomorrow to look at kitchen gadgets. Want to join me?" Or "Are you watching the game on Sunday? Want to watch it together?"


When I was married and had kids at home, we had a pretty much open-door policy until 10:00 p.m. (We had a family that would just show up to borrow things when we were already asleep, so we had to make the 10:00 p.m. rule.) It was nice because the house was USUALLY fairly presentable. If they were really friends, that shouldn't mind a little clutter. For many years I cried and cried because I had no close friends. Just when I got one or two, I left that life.


Are close friends necessary? No, probably not. Are they important? Yes, I think so. I have some close friends in the works. I will let you know if any of them pan out.


In the meantime, go to www.alsa.org and donate, even if you dumped ice water on your head.


Peace.

Now Playing in My Mind

Alligators

Lately, I have had a fear of encountering an alligator/crocodile (can't remember the distinction at the moment, but who cares? They're both dangerous!) while on walks with the dogs.


The other night I dreamt about one, and the next morning when I woke up, there was a story on the news of a crocodile encounter when a woman went wading in a canal. I never wade in canals, but I do know these creatures have been seen wandering in cities and in suburbs.

Nosebleed

I had my first nosebleed today. I'm 52 years old. Of course, like I do for everything, I googled its causes. One cause is:  Intranasal tumors (e.g. Nasopharyngeal carcinoma or nasopharyngeal angiofibroma). Of course it is!

My brain is always moving

Long Time No See

I haven't been writing here in what seems like forever for several reasons. I've been really busy and also, my OCD has been pretty manageable for awhile. I developed psoriasis a few years ago due to stress, which also escalates my OCD. Right now my psoriasis is out of control. Before my OCD does the same, I'd like to get some things on the page that have been bothering me:


1) airplanes disappearing and/or being shot down from the sky
2) the war going on in Gaza/Israel
3) the children immigrating to this country over the Texas border, alone and afraid
4) the media and social network frenzy over above
5) the movie "Fifty Shades of Grey" trailer
6) the media and social network frenzy over #5
7) the confrontation I had with a man at the 99 cent store a few weeks ago (I was afraid he was following me home)
8) the feeling that I have bone cancer


Alright, these have now been written down. I will come back to this page and expound on each subject that stays with me. Feel free to add your current obsessions here.


Namaste,


~b~