I am fortunate and blessed that I still have both of my grandmas with me, well into their 90s.
First, my maternal grandma:
What can I say? She is my best friend. When I left my husband and my girls in 2008, I stopped calling her. She wondered why, but she knew in her gut why. She refused to accept my absence from her life. She said, "No matter what, I still love you."
People don't understand why I am so close to her after everything her husband did to me. I really can't answer that. In my heart, I know that she always knew but refused to believe it. She has always stood by me in everything else. I really think that if I had come right out and said it, she would have supported me, but I was too afraid to try. I always obsess when I haven't talked to her in awhile, obsessed that I would cause her death. She's in her 90s; it's going to happen soon.
My paternal grandmother:
When I was 3 weeks old, my dad had a major accident with his eye and had to be hospitalized. She took care of me. It is an unspoken understanding that because of that, I will take care of her on her deathbed. She is petrified of death at almost 96 years of age. I feel that when she is at that place, between life and death, that I am the only one who can help her make that crossing. I was with her when her husband was at death's door. I see her every other weekend, taking her on errands, playing Rummicube with her and her friends. When she doesn't feel well, I can get it out of her, that she doesn't feel well. I truly enjoy spending time with her. I have the same obsession with her; if I don't call her, I feel that I will cause her death.
Both grandmas live in the same town. I absolutely have to see both grandmas in one trip, or I feel the one I haven't seen will die. It's a guilt I have to let go of. It's going to happen, and it's not going to be my fault.
So to both of my grandmas, I want to say I love you both. Maybe not in the same way, but you both have a special place in my heart for different reasons. I try to find comfort in the fact that I have brought some joy into their lives. I am constantly asking myself the questions,"Which one will die first?" Does it matter? It shouldn't. I can't write the future. Only God knows that outcome. All I can pray is that I did the best I could at making their lives as fulfilling as possible. I believe I have.
