Thursday, June 24, 2010

Tangled Thoughts

This is how I usually feel. My thoughts are tangled like this yarn in this picture. One thought turns into two which multiplies into many until I no longer remember what the original thought was. Sometimes I try going backwards in my mind to find out. Sometimes I discover the original thought; most often, I don't. Most of the thoughts mean something but they don't go anywhere. They end almost as soon as they begin. It's the ones that hang around that I hate the most, the thoughts that seem to linger in my head and eat through my brain, devouring every sane cell. The thoughts that seem to be driving me crazy.
When I was in elementary school, I used to hear voices. Not schizophrenic type voices telling me what to do. I couldn't understand a word they were saying. It was like being in the center of the room and millions of people talking to me all at the same time, like a gaggle of geese, pecking and gnawing my brain with their stubby mouths with no teeth from the inside out. I remember putting my hands up to my head and grabbing my hair on both sides trying to get them to stop. I remember burying my head deep into my pillow trying to make them stop. It came on without warning and would only last 30 seconds or so. It might happen the next day or not reoccur for months. It has only happened a few times in my adult life, but when they asked me during the psychological evaluation, "Have you ever heard voices", I had to honestly answer in the affirmative.
I think they were my introduction into intrusive thoughts. Has this ever happened to you? Feel free to share it here.

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