Let the Nightmares Begin!

It's only November 30th, and they have already begun. Bah! It's going to be a long December...

Peace,

~b~

No Brainer

Hmmm. The handicapped stall with a drop of urine on the seat or a super small, clean stall? No brainer - the small stall. One important decision made today!

Peace,

~b~

Meds or No Meds?

The holidays have ALWAYS been extremely difficult for me. I have never liked Christmas and have a illogical phobia of Christmas trees. I am proud to say that I put up two this year all by myself and decorated them, one at the office, one at home. That was a very big deal (YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE), and I did it - TWICE!

Usually around September or October I start taking anti-depressants (or extra anti-depressants) so that they can build up by Christmas. The past two years I haven't done that, and it has been rough, but not as bad as I thought it would be when I look back on it. By the time things start really getting bad, it is November, and I am scrambling to get a prescription written and the meds don't kick in in time anyway.

Again this year I am not taking ANYTHING. It is a good feeling, but I feel bad for Janya as she has to live with me. I know I will hear many times, "Don't ya think ya should have just taken the meds?" But it is just something I have to do; I can't explain it. It is a fight I have to win, to get to the end of the dark tunnel and into the light in January. Well, actually, I don't usually feel back to "normal" until around February.

So do any of you take meds just for the holidays? Should you be and you don't? How do you get through it?

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I know I did!

Peace,

~b~

Now Playing in My Head

Suddenly fishin' wasn't such an imposition, and I went three times the year I lost my dad...

Complexity and Smelling Smoke

Do you know what this is? If you guessed a fly's eyes, you are incorrect. These are the eyes of a Daddy Long Legs spider. When I look at this picture, I wonder how is it that people do not believe in a god. If a head of a Daddy Long Legs looks like this close up, just think how complex my OCD would look if you could actually observe it under a microscope. And if my OCD was tangible, how many dimensions would it be? It makes my brain hurt just to think about it.

That's why I don't want to know every little thing about my OCD. I am happy just to know the important stuff like: what triggers it and how do I cope with it? I really don't care why I have it and how it got here because it is going to be here no matter what. I am constantly accused of over analyzing things in my life, even analyzing episodes of the Everybody Loves Raymond TV show. I am always saying, "That doesn't make sense." But somehow the one thing that makes sense in my life is my OCD. For me, I believe it evolved into a coping mechanism growing up. I worried about things that most normal kids would never worry about. I see my youngest daughter dwelling on and worrying about the same things and it worries me.

By the way, do any of you smell smoke when it's not there?

Two years ago this Thanksgiving I spent much of Thanksgiving alone, away from my family. I am so glad I don't have to go through that againg. I hope that all of my readers are able to spend time with family and friends this week. If not, please pick up the phone and call someone special.

Peace,
~b~

Sad and Happy at the Same Time

Peace,

~b~

Cutting Memories

Recently I have gotten blotches on my arms. It has been driving me nuts. At work the other day, I was looking at the blotches and noticed two faint scars: one on top of my right arm, one on top of my left. These were left from cutting years ago. It struck me how close to my wrists these cuts really were. What kept me from turning my hands over and cutting my wrists? Why did I want to bleed but not to death? Does it matter? Isn't cutting bad no matter where it is?

I tried to think back on when those incidents took place. When I was younger I could look at the scars and remember the cutting incidents in chronological order, when it was, where I was, and what prompted me to do it. Now it seems so long ago, I really can't remember. And that is a good thing. Time really does heal some wounds, not just the ones on the outside.

Peace,

~b~

Looking Ahead

Looking forward to Saturday, rain or shine. Janya and I are going to Brenham to visit the monastery there and their miniature horses and to visit a winery. We need this trip so badly. You have absolutely no idea! Just hope it doesn't rain too much to force us to cancel. Have a great weekend! Oh, well, there's always an alternative - going to see the movie Unstoppable.

Peace,

~b~

How I Feel Today

Peace,

~b~

Checking In

I'm doing pretty well right now with managing the OCD. The stress level in our home has gone down about 80% this week. That helps. Trying to jump start a side business. A lot more work to do with that.

Peace,
~b~