Pretty Pathetic

Last night I dreamt I invented a phone app that would show you your funeral. Sometimes I wonder what my funeral/memorial service will be like. Will I be in a coffin or will I be cremated? I haven’t even written a will yet, but I would like to be cremated; I think it’s less expensive.



I also wonder how many people or who will attend my funeral, if, in fact, there is any service at all. I’m really ambivalent about there being a service as I feel no one would attend. But even more worrisome, is that people will attend just for show, because it’s expected. I wonder about the music that will be played. Sometimes I hear a song and I find myself jotting it down to be played at my funeral. If my family is reading this, the songs can be found on the notepad in my Iphone.



But of all the things about my funeral or lack of one, the most upsetting thought is what will be said about me. I would rather nothing be said (except for scripture verses about death and the afterlife) than things that are not true. I don’t want, "She was a good partner, mother, friend, etc." I feel those are untrue. I don’t want, "She was kind, caring, loving, etc." I feel those are untrue.



Maybe I should just write my own eulogy. It would go something like this:

She was on this earth to learn and enjoyed learning as well as teaching others. She wanted her children and partner and family to be happy and live life to the fullest. She found joy in small things like picnics, walking her dogs, lunches with friends, and singing. She found joy in the big things like having children, going to college, writing a book and reuniting with the love of her life. She never really figured out what to believe as truth, but she knows it now, as we all will. She accepted everyone and finally revealed her true self at the age of 46. She was a hard worker and always tried to meet her obligations but was ready to move on to another realm.



That’s really all the truth that can be said about me from someone else’s point of view. Pretty pathetic. Have you ever thought of your own funeral?

What's Up With Me

I'm doing okay this week. My latest obsession has subsided now since Joan Rivers passed. While she was in the hospital, I was constantly checking to see if she had died. I didn't even care for her. I liked her okay in her early years when she was making fun of herself and her marriage. But she went way too far when she made the joke about Michelle Knight and the other two girls who were kidnapped and held for years and years as sex slaves.


And while I feel they are both shallow people sometimes, I saw her daughter, Melissa, on  I'm a Celebrity. Get Me Out of Here, and I was amazed at her strength of character on that island. She was very sensitive and giving to others and stood firm on her convictions. Would not put up with bullying, etc. Don't know much about her in "real life."


Below is my latest video on how my therapist helped me in CBT with a couple of rituals I had. Hope it helps someone out there.

Asymmetrical

I bought this necklace the other day for 70% off. Now I see it's not symmetrical and it's driving me nuts. No wonder it was $5. Sigh.

Obsessing About Someone Else

My latest video. It's about the first time I found myself obsessed with another person. Please feel free to comment or ask questions. Thanks.