A Humble Plea to My Readers

I have started working on my novel again since I have some time off for the Thanksgiving holidays. I will be off for two weeks at Christmas, too! This is a great time of year for me to write because much of the abuse happened during the holidays. If you would be so kind, please "like" my Facebook page for Reverse Skate. I need all the encouragement I can get. Feel free to pass the link on to anyone you know who would be interested in a story regarding sexual abuse and/or OCD. My goal is to complete to book in 2012! Thanks.

GROSS

Saw these in the gift shop on our trip this weekend. Blech!

Now Playing In My Head

Muskrat Love
by The Captain and Tennille

Muskrat, Muskrat, candle light
Doin' the town and doin' it right in the evenin'
It's pretty pleasin'
Muskrat Suzie, Muskrat Sam
Do the jitterbug at a Muskrat Land
And they shimmy, Sam is so skinny


And they whirl and they twirl and they tango
Singin' and jinglin' a jangle
Float like the heavens above
Looks like Muskrat Love


Nibblin' on bacon
Chewin' on cheese
Sam says to Suzie
Honey, would you please be my Mrs
Suzie says, yes, with her kisses
Now, he's ticklin' her fancy
Rubbin' her toes
Muzzle to muzzle
Now anything goes as they wriggle
Sue starts to giggle


And they whirled and they twirled and they tango
Singin' and jinglin' a jangle
Floatin' like the heavens above
Looks like muskrat love

Wordless Wednesday

I Have Had Clients Like This

I'm Still Around

One good thing about me not posting much - it means my OCD is not so bad right now! My new job is not as stressful as I imagined it would be but it has only been two weeks. The kids will start getting homework this week, so I know their stress level will go up and mine with it. Hope everyone is having a good Labor Day weekend.

The Current Lip Situation

Obsessing About My Teeth

This morning I woke up and when I looked in the mirror I totally freaked. My two front teeth looked miles apart. When Janya got up I started in right away.
B - "Look at my teeth! They've grown apart!"
J - "They look the same as they always have."
B - "No. They are farther apart."
J - "Do you think they did that overnight?"
B - "Look, I can even whistle through them!"
J - "You're imagining things."
Blah, blah, blah.
I look at my teeth every day when I brush them. When did this happen? Now I don't want to open my mouth when I smile. I hope this doesn't continue, but it probably will, just like the "My chest feels grainy" discussion that we have at least once a week, sometimes more. At night, when I'm reading or playing a game on the computer in bed, I run my hand over my upper chest and it feels like there is sand on my skin.
B - "My chest feels grainy."
J - "It's not."
B - "Feel it. It's grainy."
J - "No, it's not!"
I think this may have started when I got back from the beach one day. I am not sure where the teeth thoughts came from other than I am planning on a trip to the dentist as soon as my insurance kicks in. I wonder if it includes bonding. Hmmm.

Peace,
~b~

This one's funny to me because my friends and I used to do this all the time in junior and senior high school.

A Nightmare

I had a nightmare last night, one like I have not had in years. Maybe it's the medicine I'm taking, but I'm pretty sure it was a result of having watched part of the interview last night with Jaycee Dugard. When asked why she had never tried to run away, Jaycee replied with a simple "I don't know."

I didn't realize how much it troubled me until I woke up in the night from cold sweats. Jaycee suffers from what is called "Stockholm Syndrome." An emotional attachment to her captor. Look it up. It's real. While I don't have Stockholm Syndrome, I can very much relate to Jaycee because I had much love for the person who hurt me growing up. While I have many things to hate him for (my OCD, I believe, included), I still have a small percentage of disguised love sunken at the very bottom of my heart.

Bad memories are just like OCD - you push them away so deep inside that you forget they're there and then one day - poof! - they appear from nowhere. And I will attack them the way I have been taught to treat my OCD, by letting the feelings wash over me and go with them. And then they will vanish.

REALLY?

Peace,
~b~

Here Ya Go...

The circle is where the dog stopped. :o(

I Told You So...

What have I been saying since Day One in the Caylee Anthony case? What have I been telling everyone about where Caylee's body was? Pick lip. Pick lip. Pick lip. I could see Caylee and I could see a picnic table, you know, a rounded one, made of cement, like you see in a picnic area, not a wooden rectangular one. There was no mention on the news or even by Nancy Grace - and she above all people should know - of a picnic table anywhere in the picture. Pick lip. Pick lip. Pick lip.

I have obsessed and obsessed over it, so much so that I have been on the internet AGAIN over the past few weeks doing searches and asking people if there was a picnic table near where she was found. The answer was always "no." Pick lip. Pick lip. Pick lip.

So then I thought, well, maybe the picnic table was in a park area; maybe the body was NEAR a park. I was told last week, no, that the body was disposed of in a "pet cemetary." This has caused me stress. Doubting myself and feeling that others would doubt me. Feelings of guilt. I should have told someone. Pick lip. Pick lip. Pick lip.

So today I am eating lunch and have the trial on for about 20 minutes. Is it such a coincidence that within that 20 minutes, what I saw on the screen gave me chills up my spine, made my stomach drop and my mouth hang open? Cause me to pick my lip, pick my lip?

An investigator who led a cadaver dog around the Anthony's backyard describes how he shut the gate and allowed the dog, Garris, to wander around the yard unleashed, hunting for the odor of the cadaver of sweet Caylee Anthony. And where was the dog's trained final alert? Where did the dog stop, sit with his tail up, looking the officer directly in the eye? Where did the officer circle on the exhibit photo of the Anthony's backyard where the dog "found" the decompostion smell? To the right of an oval, cement picnic table. It appears to be of cement; maybe it is plastic made to look like cement but from the photo above, it looks like cement. Does it matter? I thought I knew everything about the Anthony case, but I never knew there was a picnic table in the backyard! I had never seen a photo of it. All I ever heard mention of was the two sheds, the playhouse, and the above ground pool.

So can you see now why I am upset? My feelings are so stupid yet I can't make them go away. As we know, OCD is not logical. I feel feelings of guilt and why did I have to "know" this? Why didn't I say something? Why has this been in my head since 2008 and how can I get it out? As usual, I am leaving that to this blog.

Peace,
~b~

I have picked my lip so much this week. It feels like the lips in the photo except on the other side. It is so swollen. I need to stop soon because I have a client to see on Tuesday.

My hairdresser poured Sea Breeze all over my head yesterday to help clean my head of the "roaches." Her son has OCD and she was so nice about it. I said, "You are going to think this is really weird..." but she just went on like it was nothing out of the ordinary. Made me feel so accepted. Hurt like hell, though, when the Sea Breeze landed on my ears where I have picked all the skin off. I wanted to jump out of the chair!

Baby Roach

This morning in the shower I saw on the shower curtain what appeared to be the remains of the exoskeleton of a baby roach. Now I feel like there are baby roach exoskeletons in my hair. Hope I can keep my hands away at the theater tonight. We are going to see Dr. Jekkyl and Mr. Hyde.

Peace,
~b~

Caylee Anthony

May she rest in peace. I'm not sure if I have written about my obsession with this case. It was back in 2008, when everything from my life was coming to a head. I believe it as a way to keep me from confronting what was going on in my life and what was about to happedn. I watched Nancy Grace every night without fail. Most people don't like her, but it was the only place I could get my daily Caylee fix.

Part of my obsession in the beginning was that I thought I knew where Caylee was. I believed she was dead and near a picnic table. The guilt of "knowing" where she was was killing me. Who could I tell? Who would believe me? I didn't know the exact location. People would think I was crazy. It kept me awake nights, just like the guilt after a major plane crash I felt I could have prevented.

For the past year, we haven't seen much of Caylee/Casey, but now the trial has started. I plan my lunch around it. I have it on my computer everyday, cursing the phone/fax and printer when it interrupts a question or an answer. I have named Judge Perry the "Bouncing Judge" because he constantly bounces in his seat, probably from bouncing or swinging a leg, I suppose. In the morning and evening, I surf TV channels trying to find info about the trial. In my car I constantly change channels on my satellite radio when a commercial interrupts coverage. I can't believe I have to go through this for two months.

Next week I will be on staycation, busy with a client and spending time with my grandmothers. This is totally stressing me out because I know I won't be able to listen to the trial during the day. Recaps don't feel like enough. My stomach is doing flip flops just thinking about it.

As Rosanna Rosanna Danna used to say, "It's always somethin."

If you're on Facebook

and would like to follow the progress of my novel, please go to: Reverse Skate. The protagonist is a teenaged girl who has OCD. Thanks!

Peace,
~b~

Would You Like To Contribute To My Novel?

My protagonist is a counter, even numbers only. She organizes everything in pairs. I am at a loss since I am not much of a counter. What are some things you count out in the real world? Thanks.

Peace,
~b~

Dear Food,
You are not and have never been my friend.
~b~

Now Playing In My Head

It's. A. Hard. Knock. Life

I am so down and I'm not sure what to do about it.

My Two Cents

I went through the drive-through at Whataburger this morning as I usually do before work for my caffeine fix of the day. The total was $2.26. I gave the lady at the window two dollars bills and three dimes. Instead of four cents change, she gave me two pennies and walked away from the window.

Now I don't meant to complain about two pennies. It's really not that big of a deal. But then I got to thinking about how many times she has stiffed me one or two "cents" in the past. I really should be writing this down because it has happened several times.

Then in my head I am thinking, "Can she just not count? Is she in such a hurry and it being so early in the morning, is she just not thinking? Or could it be a conspiracy? Like the 99 cent store I take my grandmother to: It says ".99" on the screen when an item rings up and then out to the side under "total" it reads "$1.00." Think of how much all of those pennies add up to. Remember how much money we raised in elementary school by collecting a "mile of pennies"? It was a bundle. Call me cheap, but I think I will start keeping track and then when my total becomes substantial I will request my hefty refund.

How many of you would have said something to the Whataburger lady about it? How many of you would not for fear of looking too cheap and petty?

This was a pretty frustrating weekend all around. I was almost looking forward to coming back to work just to get it over with. Surprisingly, the OCD has stayed pretty much in the background through all of it. We're going to plan something on Saturday night to have something to look forward to. Right now it sounds like we are going to the science museum and then out for a nice dinner at Carabba's. Hope you all have a great week! Peace, ~b~

Softball

Softball can be very therapeutic. I am enjoying hitting the sh*t out of the ball. You should try it some time.

Peace,

~b~

Well, another sad week has come to an end. No change. Now I understand when people say they are addicted to food. All I wan to do is eat and get fat.

Wordless Wednesday

My Foot Hurts

My foot hurts. On top. I walked 3.2 miles in the AIDS Walk 2011 on Sunday. Shouldn't my feet hurt on the bottom? I think I pulled a muscle in my foot, straining it by consciously walking around so many cracks, shadows and lines!

Peace,
~b~

Tsunami

Need I say more? Another thing to feel guilty about. God bless the people of Japan.

Now Playing In My Head

Shannon is gone I heard

She's drifting out to sea.

She always liked to swim away.

Maybe she'll find an island with a shady tree

Just like the one in our back yard.

Today is going to be a very down day so it's fitting that I have been hearing this

song in my head for over three days now.

Checking In

The above sign sends me into a panic. Today I have checked my phone, I know, at least 100 times. I have it set to "silent." I constantly check to see if it's blinking. If it's not, I check to see if it was blinking and then stopped.

I have been extremely down since yesterday. I had to call my counselor, and that is something I hardly ever do. She was in the airport, but she answered anyway. I appreciated that so much. So if you're reading this, E.G., thank you very much.

Today I had to do something I wasn't happy about but really have no choice. My life is taking a turn today and I'm not sure in which direction, so that is scaring me to death and I can see my symptoms worsening by the hour.

Tonight we're going to Ash Wednesday service and then to Cafe Express. Hope that will take some of the attention off of the OCD for a few hours.

Peace,

~b~

Wordless Wednesday

Wow

This Charlie Sheen thing needs to stop. right. now. It's on all the channels day and night and I'm starting to get roped into it. Okay, I admit it. I'm already roped into it. Every hour or so I'm checking to see what Charlie is doing now. I hate it.

Remember when I told you I was obsessing about some friends' posts on Facebook? Well, I thought I'd get smart and block the posts. The only problem is that the curiosity gets the best of me and I cheat and look. So not working. I could "unfriend" but I don't want to lose friends over my OCD. Been there, done that.

I have been getting a lot more visitors here lately. Not sure why; I haven't been writing. LOL Is someone trying to tell me something?

Peace,
~b~

Tired

of being a disappointment.

Just Checking In

Haven't written in the longest time. My latest obsessions have been with friends' posts on Facebook. I don't know why I can't just let. things. go. I know J's tired of hearing about them. Do any of you obsess about FB or Twitter posts? Other than that, things are okay on the OCD front.

We are going for a quick appointment with the counselor tomorrow to check up on a few things. I have started playing softball to help me take off some weight. Life has been a whirlwind lately, getting more involved in churcha and in life in general. I decided that I have put my life on hold for two years, it's time to move on so I am. Keeping busy seems to be doing the trick, tying the OCD down, to keep it from interfering. If not for a few things in my life, I could actually say that I am happier than I have ever been.

Now Playing In My Head

The theme from The Flying Nun.

Feeling rejected by everyone today. I know tomorrow will be better. Insert Annie theme song here.

Feeling Defeated Today

My Boss

First thing Thursday morning - Conversation with my boss:

Boss: Good morning!
Me - Can you please turn the Ozarka bottle over?
Boss - Okay. You are so demanding.
Me - Sorry. I did't even say "hello." I've just got one thing on my mind.
Boss - You do that a lot.
Me - I just focus on one thing and one thing only.
Boss - Why do you do that?
Me (in my head) - I have OCD
Me (outloud) - Well, in my old age I am getting forgetful, so I keep it in front of my brain so I will remember.
Boss - Well, it's not a bad thing, really. I'm not getting on to you or anything.

Do any of your bosses know you have OCD? Have you ever wanted to tell them? It almost slipped out that day.

How I Feel Today