Wednesday, September 15, 2010


Do things just sometimes just get on your nerves? Like when your boss asks you umpteen times to put something on his calendar and you already did? Like when your name is super easy to spell and people ask you to spell it anyway? Well, there is this woman in my building who wears an afro and it is assymetrical, much worse than the one in the photo above, especially in the back. It drives me absolutely nuts. The one above almost looks like it is assymetrical on purpose. When we are in the elevator, I just want to shake the woman and say, "Look in the mirror! You missed a dozen spots!"

Then I obsess about the assymetrical hairdo and how may life imitates it. My life is very uneven. On one side, I have a great partner, great kids, great family, great church, and I have a job. On the other side of my life is uncertainty: uncertainty about the past, my mistakes, the hurt I've caused, the future. Will I be allowed to see my daughters get married? Will I be allowed to visit my grandchildren? Will I die alone and homeless?

It hurts my neck just thinking about trying to balance that hairdo. It gets very difficult trying to balance these two "sides" of my life, and, inevitably, the uncertain side brings me down. I am trying not to let it get in the way of enjoying my relationship with Janya, my time with my daughters, and my total outlook on life. This takes a lot of work and energy on my part and a lot of patience on everyone else's.

I thought after coming out, I would just live one life; but I am still living two lives, only this time neither one is hidden. Progress, yes, but it is still exhausting. Someday I pray that both lives will mesh together into one. One life. That's what I want.

Someone told me that if I mention sex on my blog I will get more hits. So sex, sex, sex. LOL!

Off to preen some more.


1 comment:

  1. lol. You probably will get more hits - from people searching for all sorts of things!

    It sounds like you have a lot of great things in your life. And reading your blog reminded me that, though I obsess about the things I don't have sometimes, I am lucky to have what I have. So thank you!

    I, too, hope you can mesh those two lives, but in a way, you probably already have. Those worries are the other side of having great things in your life - there will always be things to concern yourself with, no matter how many great things there are! That's not to say that we can't make it better - I think we can learn to enjoy it all despite the negatives, but sometimes the imperfections make those great things seem all the more special.