Now Playing In My Head

She'll be comin' 'round the mountain when she comes. She'll be comin' 'round the mountain when she comes. She'll be comin' 'round the mountain, she'll be comin' 'round the mountain. She'll be comin' 'round the mountain when she comes.

Well, it's more like hummin' actually.
Peace,
~b~

Wordless Wednesday

It's Over

Christmas Day is over. I made it. Thank you, God.

Crescendo

Right now I am at the top of the crescendo. I hope it doesn't get any worse. I will be glad when I can coast my way down. Thank you, Janya, for being such a good listener.

On My Mind Today

Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat Dead Cat

That is all...

Just Putting It Out There

Life is crazy right now. Last night I broke down and cried for half an hour. There is never enough time in a day. Yeah, I know you are all going to say "I told ya so. You should have ordered the meds." I don't feel great this morning, but better than yesterday.

My grandmother is in ICU in Florida, with no family around her. As soon as I heard this on Monday, my thought was "I didn't send the recap." You see, each week I mail my grandmother a recap from The Amazing Race from the Mrs. Loudshoes blog. Things have gotten so hectic around here, that I had not had time to print it out for last week's episode, so there you go. Of course, something should happen to her and I feel like it's my fault.

I have since said it outloud and on this blog. Hopefully, that will take care of it.

Yesterday, absolutely nothing could go my way - nada. Today my wish is for just one thing to: be easy, work the first time, be self-explanatory, function properly, be delivered on time by a friendly delivery person without complaints.

I picture myself manually wheeling a wheelchair (with me in it) up a steep hill. I can't get out of the wheelchair, and my progress up that hill totally depends on the weight of my load and the amount of strength I possess.

Okay. Pity party over. Back to work. I hope all of my readers have a great Thursday!

Race y'all to the top of that hill!

Peace,
~b~

On My Mind Today

Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won. Clint should have won.

Weekend Update

Janya and I snuck away for twenty-four hours for an overnight in Lake Charles. I was a lot of fun; boy, did we need it with the last few months we've had! I was a bit concerned about the flooring in the casinos causing problems with my OCD - click here to read about my panic attack in Vegas - but I did okay.

We made it out of Houston Friday afternoon with very little traffic, which put us in good moods. But then, I got a text that upset me, and my mood went downhill from there. We were pretty silent for about 30 minutes, and I was able to get my spirits back up when we realized that we were about an hour ahead of schedule.

Now, if I can just stop thinking about Clint on The Apprentice (see post above.) I brought it up in the car for the umpteenth time last night - Janya's response was, "Oh, no, here we go again" - and I made a vow to Janya that I wouldn't say it again, how he should have won, blah, blah, blah. But I told her, "I am not going to say it again, but I just want you to know that I am thinking it." Do any of you ever hear that "oh, no, here we go again" line from your family or friends?

If you want to hear more about our trip, just e-mail me, and I 'll send you a link to my personal blog. I hope to put the highlights up there soon. I try to just address OCD on Around and Around.

Peace,
~b~

Exposure Therapy

I did MAJOR exposure therapy Friday night, and I did it all by myself, no therapist! AND I am continuing it indefinitely because the items in questions have become a permanent fixture in our household. It's an everyday struggle that I hope will get better. What's my level? Around a 6 right now.

Peace,

~b~

It's 6:33 a.m. (does anyone else announce times by the minute?), and I would much rather be back wrapped in my new, warm comforter. For the second day in a row, I have to go in early. Bah!

And no nap or workout tonight, either. We are having a Toys for Tots party and there is still so much to do. I find myself looking forward to the party being over instead of it beginning. Then I can change my endless questions to past tense: Was the food okay? Did I cook enough? Did my guests have fun? Why did they leave so early? Did the apartment look okay? Was the temperature okay? Why was so-and-so so quiet? Do I have to clean all this up now?

And then afterwards, I usually analyze all the conversations I heard during the evening: I can't believe she said that. That was an interesting comment she made. Did you hear _____? Blah, blah, blah.

So why do I put myself through all this? Because parties around here are few and far between. I think the last get together we had may have even been last Christmas. So I will rock on through today and tomorrow. I'm actually so swamped at work right now that it's getting easy to push the questions to the back of my brain at times. But give me a minute's peace and quiet, and the record repeats itself. Bathroom breaks are the worst!

Hoping you all have a wonderful weekend!

Peace,

~b~

Wordless Wednesday

Let the Nightmares Begin!

It's only November 30th, and they have already begun. Bah! It's going to be a long December...

Peace,

~b~

No Brainer

Hmmm. The handicapped stall with a drop of urine on the seat or a super small, clean stall? No brainer - the small stall. One important decision made today!

Peace,

~b~

Meds or No Meds?

The holidays have ALWAYS been extremely difficult for me. I have never liked Christmas and have a illogical phobia of Christmas trees. I am proud to say that I put up two this year all by myself and decorated them, one at the office, one at home. That was a very big deal (YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE), and I did it - TWICE!

Usually around September or October I start taking anti-depressants (or extra anti-depressants) so that they can build up by Christmas. The past two years I haven't done that, and it has been rough, but not as bad as I thought it would be when I look back on it. By the time things start really getting bad, it is November, and I am scrambling to get a prescription written and the meds don't kick in in time anyway.

Again this year I am not taking ANYTHING. It is a good feeling, but I feel bad for Janya as she has to live with me. I know I will hear many times, "Don't ya think ya should have just taken the meds?" But it is just something I have to do; I can't explain it. It is a fight I have to win, to get to the end of the dark tunnel and into the light in January. Well, actually, I don't usually feel back to "normal" until around February.

So do any of you take meds just for the holidays? Should you be and you don't? How do you get through it?

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I know I did!

Peace,

~b~

Now Playing in My Head

Suddenly fishin' wasn't such an imposition, and I went three times the year I lost my dad...

Complexity and Smelling Smoke

Do you know what this is? If you guessed a fly's eyes, you are incorrect. These are the eyes of a Daddy Long Legs spider. When I look at this picture, I wonder how is it that people do not believe in a god. If a head of a Daddy Long Legs looks like this close up, just think how complex my OCD would look if you could actually observe it under a microscope. And if my OCD was tangible, how many dimensions would it be? It makes my brain hurt just to think about it.

That's why I don't want to know every little thing about my OCD. I am happy just to know the important stuff like: what triggers it and how do I cope with it? I really don't care why I have it and how it got here because it is going to be here no matter what. I am constantly accused of over analyzing things in my life, even analyzing episodes of the Everybody Loves Raymond TV show. I am always saying, "That doesn't make sense." But somehow the one thing that makes sense in my life is my OCD. For me, I believe it evolved into a coping mechanism growing up. I worried about things that most normal kids would never worry about. I see my youngest daughter dwelling on and worrying about the same things and it worries me.

By the way, do any of you smell smoke when it's not there?

Two years ago this Thanksgiving I spent much of Thanksgiving alone, away from my family. I am so glad I don't have to go through that againg. I hope that all of my readers are able to spend time with family and friends this week. If not, please pick up the phone and call someone special.

Peace,
~b~

Sad and Happy at the Same Time

Peace,

~b~

Cutting Memories

Recently I have gotten blotches on my arms. It has been driving me nuts. At work the other day, I was looking at the blotches and noticed two faint scars: one on top of my right arm, one on top of my left. These were left from cutting years ago. It struck me how close to my wrists these cuts really were. What kept me from turning my hands over and cutting my wrists? Why did I want to bleed but not to death? Does it matter? Isn't cutting bad no matter where it is?

I tried to think back on when those incidents took place. When I was younger I could look at the scars and remember the cutting incidents in chronological order, when it was, where I was, and what prompted me to do it. Now it seems so long ago, I really can't remember. And that is a good thing. Time really does heal some wounds, not just the ones on the outside.

Peace,

~b~

Looking Ahead

Looking forward to Saturday, rain or shine. Janya and I are going to Brenham to visit the monastery there and their miniature horses and to visit a winery. We need this trip so badly. You have absolutely no idea! Just hope it doesn't rain too much to force us to cancel. Have a great weekend! Oh, well, there's always an alternative - going to see the movie Unstoppable.

Peace,

~b~

How I Feel Today

Peace,

~b~

Checking In

I'm doing pretty well right now with managing the OCD. The stress level in our home has gone down about 80% this week. That helps. Trying to jump start a side business. A lot more work to do with that.

Peace,
~b~

How I Feel Today

How I Feel Today

How I Feel Today

Jealousy

It's My Fault

It was around 1999. I liked her the first time I met her. She had come to pastor our church. We had lost our minister after 15 years and gone through a few interims who should have handed in the towel years ago. No one could fill this minister's shoes. And then she came along. Everything was going to be better. She was going to make everything right again. Our membership would soar and the pews would be filled.

Wrong. She stepped in and the church went to you know where. She was a strict conservative and the majority of our members were quite liberal. Some left immediately upon hearing she was appointed, scattering like roaches when the lights come on. Others gave her one shot at it. Most of the remaining members started leaving, and we were down to just a few faithful followers who had been in that church since Ford invented the motor car. Well, not that long. It just got worse. She didn't want to do anything we had done before, nothing. Our worship service changed, order and content. Our fellowship time changed. My ex and I left the church. About a year later she was forced to resign.

Anyway, I said a few things about her that I probably shouldn't have. She did have some big shoes to fill, but my goodness, she wouldn't even allow "In the Garden" to be played at people's funerals. No one is going to tell me what I can have played at my funeral. Well, I'll be dead, but you know what I mean.

Fast forward to this year. I am involved in e-prayer from that church. Hundreds of people from the past and present at that church are on it. I like it because I get to hear about people I knew long ago. I haven't seen her for at least 10 years now. This woman's son, who is in his 20's, has been battling lymphoma for well over a year now. Just out of college, he was looking forward to his life, I'm sure: good job, a wife, and family. It wasn't meant to be.

Thurday, after about 18 months and lots of prayer from the church who forgave this woman for being such a lousy minister, I got the e-mail I had been hoping for. The young man was now in remission and doing extremely well. The doctors were going to have to continue being very diligent with his case, but at least he was getting some time to rest, with no treatments, some time to actually enjoy his life. I was so happy for her whole family.

Then Friday morning, I got another e-mail. Her husband just dropped dead in their house that morning. Wow. Guess who feels guilty for that? Me. Ugh.

Peace,
~b~

How I Feel Today

Wordless Wednesday

(P.S. Switch the Pepsi to Diet Dr. Pepper.)

What's In My Head

My youngest had a story to tell. One of the homeschool moms caught a black widow spider for her science class. She fed it a live cockroach. I cannot get it out of my mind. So as usual, around and around it goes Bah!

Today I feel like...

I'm stuck in an elevator. I can't go up; I can't go down.

Peace,

~b~

In My Head Today

U.S. issues alert for Americans in EuropeBy the CNN Wire Staff

Washington (CNN) -- The U.S. State Department has issued a travel alert for U.S. citizens in Europe, based on information that suggests that al Qaeda and affiliated organizations continue to plan terrorist attacks. Americans are warned to be aware of their surroundings and protect themselves when traveling.

One senior U.S. official said earlier that in addition to the travel alert from the State Department, "U.S. military installations are taking prudent precautions. This is a serious situation."

You can read more about it here.

Great, just great. My brother and his wife are in France right now, and my parents left Paris this morning, and, hopefully, will land safely in Budapest about three hours from now. My dad is like me, he worries about EVERYTHING. I just hope he hasn't read the news; it will spoil his whole trip.

Peace,
~b~

In My Head Today

Today I went to my 93-yr-old grandmother's place to eat lunch with her and take her to Stein Mart for some shopping. She is starting to walk really slow now. I found myself becoming impatient with her pace, and then in my head I heard, "Don't rush her. If you do, she will die, and you will wish you hadn't."

At Stein Mart she walked and walked from display to display. We must have been in there over an hour. She couldn't find a blouse she was looking for after having returned one. I found myself picking blouses out for her, again, trying to move the slow process along. And, again, I heard, "If you rush her, she is going to die, and you will wish you hadn't."

I dropped her off on the sidewalk and watched as she walked slowly away, each painfull step hurting her knee. Wondering if it's the last time I will see her again. I hate the guilt, and one day, certainly, she will pass away. Will it be after a weekend when I "rushed her" and make me feel guilty? Or will it be after a weekend when I didn't drive the 45 miles to see her at all and make me feel guilty? Either way, I'm screwed.

And, no, we never did find a blouse she liked.

Wordless Wednesday

Name That Image!

Well, no one got last week's Name That Image. It was Gnip Gnop, which is Ping Pong spelled backwards. To learn more about the game click here.This week's Name That Image is a game from 1967. It is a type of Ouiji board that has a special name. See the holes around the board? You put tarot cards in those. Above the cards is a track for a black marble to roll around. You choose whether to read the letters where the marble stops or the card where the marble stops. All of this while the eye in the center watches everyone at the table.

This game was all the rage back then. Today, it would probably be black balled by parents and the company would be boycotted.

I do have a story about the night I learned this game. I was taken along by my parents to their friends' house, and, of course, the kids go away and leave the parents alone. The friends' daughter was much older than me. I was five; she was at least 13. She and her friend introduced me to the game. Of course, the lights were out so the glow-in-the-dark eye would scare me half to death. I really believed it could tell my fortune.

At that time, the creepy soap opera Dark Shadows was very popular, and a teenage actor on the show named David Hennesy was on it. Well, these girls were big time into David Hennesy. I remember they had stacks of teen magazines with his picture on it.

Somehow these girls got the young actor's phone number in Los Angeles, or so they say. They elected me to be the one who said, "Is David there?" when someone picked up the phone. I remember going home thinking that I had done something against the law and was going to be arrested.

Anyway, who knows the name of this game? Hint: Its name sounds like a religion that is very popular with celebrities right now.

Peace,

~b~

How I Feel Today

Therapy

Okay, I don't have one iota of talent in the art department, but I have been pretty down the past couple of days. I thought painting with water colors might help. Here is the first one. I love just sitting down to a blank, white piece of paper and covering it with colors even if it makes no sense. It is relaxing. And who knows, maybe someday I will use one for the cover of my novel.

Peace,
~b~

Totally Spontaneous

Today I did something so spontaneous and kind of brave. On the way to my hairdresser's I decided to get my hair chopped off and I actually let her put red in the highlights. She also dyed my eyebrows. This may not sound very brave on my part, after all, it will grow out. But next weekend is my parents' 50th anniversary party. I will be seeing people I haven't seen in a long time, so I want to look my best. What if I hadn't liked the do? Oh, dear, hairdresser, you were very brave, too.

Anyway, it actually was a LOT longer on the sides in the front, halfway across my cheeks. Right before I got out of the chair I said, "Would you mind chopping the hair off in the front?" So here's what it looks like now.

Peace,
~b~

Name That Image!

I had several people reply correctly to the last Name That Image post. That's right, below are Romper Stompers, made famous by the kid's PBS show Romper Room. It aired in the U.S. and other countries from 1953-1994. There were a couple of scandals associated with the show that you can read about here. I remember making Romper Stompers out of empty coffee cans and kite string. For some stupid reason, I remember trying to walk around painfully on them in bare feet.This week's Name That Image was one of my favorite games growing up because it reminded me of an arcade basketball game that you actually had to pay money for. My brother liked it because it made noise. What was this game called and did you play it?

Happy Guessing.

Peace,

~b~

Preening

Do things just sometimes just get on your nerves? Like when your boss asks you umpteen times to put something on his calendar and you already did? Like when your name is super easy to spell and people ask you to spell it anyway? Well, there is this woman in my building who wears an afro and it is assymetrical, much worse than the one in the photo above, especially in the back. It drives me absolutely nuts. The one above almost looks like it is assymetrical on purpose. When we are in the elevator, I just want to shake the woman and say, "Look in the mirror! You missed a dozen spots!"

Then I obsess about the assymetrical hairdo and how may life imitates it. My life is very uneven. On one side, I have a great partner, great kids, great family, great church, and I have a job. On the other side of my life is uncertainty: uncertainty about the past, my mistakes, the hurt I've caused, the future. Will I be allowed to see my daughters get married? Will I be allowed to visit my grandchildren? Will I die alone and homeless?

It hurts my neck just thinking about trying to balance that hairdo. It gets very difficult trying to balance these two "sides" of my life, and, inevitably, the uncertain side brings me down. I am trying not to let it get in the way of enjoying my relationship with Janya, my time with my daughters, and my total outlook on life. This takes a lot of work and energy on my part and a lot of patience on everyone else's.

I thought after coming out, I would just live one life; but I am still living two lives, only this time neither one is hidden. Progress, yes, but it is still exhausting. Someday I pray that both lives will mesh together into one. One life. That's what I want.

Someone told me that if I mention sex on my blog I will get more hits. So sex, sex, sex. LOL!

Off to preen some more.

Peace,
~b~

Eye Rolls

Another post about checking. I checked a lot yesterday. I kept going into my boss's office to check to make sure I hadn't layed a file folder on top of his glasses. Each time, I would be sitting at my desk and have to check. I caught myself rolling my eyes, letting out an audible sigh, and then saying to myself, "I hate this." Do any of you say something to yourself when you have to go back and check?

I find that I tend to check a lot of things that force me to walk to another place. I will go repeatedly back into the file room and into a file cabinet to make sure I put a document in the correct place. Or I will go into the kitchen to make sure I put something away or double triple check that I didn't miss a fax or phone call. I probably notice this form of checking more because I physically get up and interrupt what I'm doing. I know I do a lot of checking at my desk: my phone, Facebook, messages, etc. but I have pretty much gotten that down to a science.

Have a nice Thursday, everyone!

Peace,

~b~

Wordless Wednesday

Peace,
~b~

Labor Day

To my friends who are looking for jobs, my thoughts and prayers are with you on this Labor Day. I know I complain about my job a lot, but at least I have one!

Peace,
~b~

More Anxiety

It seems it never ends; I am always obsessing about something and trying desperately not to say anything about it to Janya cuz I know she gets so tired of hearing all about it.

So yesterday I noticed a small circle on my upper thigh and a lighter one next to it. It looked like the imprint of a ring or something. Since I own no such ring, I immediately thought of ringworm, which, of course, leads me to thinking that I have worms throughout my body. My mother, a nurse, assured me that ringworm is not actually a worm but a fungus on one's skin, but you know me: worms, worms, worms, worms.

I looked "ringworm" up on the internet. My "circle" is not red or puffy like the ones in the pictures. In fact, today it looks lighter. Janya swears she can't see it; that it's not there at all, BUT I SEE IT!

The internet says you can get ringworm from animals, but I haven't been around any animals except for my friend's day the day before yesterday.

Every little stomach twitch or sound convinces me even more that I HAVE WORMS in my body. Time to go chill out for awhile and think about worms.

Yuck!

Why don't people pick up after their animals??? We have doggie bags and disposal stations not five feet away from the grass!!

Yesterday I picked up my friend's dog from the hospital. I took him to the designated dog relief area in front of our condo. He wouldn't go, but I guess - well, I KNOW I stepped in dog poop in my dress shoes while hoping he would do his thing. Didn't realize it until much later when I was driving in the car to meet Janya for happy hour, burning up in the Texas heat with the windows down. By then I had already walked into the condo, across the tile, into our bedroom, and kicked my poopy shoes way into the closet.

When it was time to leave for happy hour I put the shoes back on. Thinking back on it, I did get a whiff of something unpleasant, but I was in such a hurry, I didn't think about it until I was gagging in the car all the way down Richmond Avenue.

When I got to Pappasito's, I scraped and scraped my shoes on the curb, in the grass, but to no avail. I couldn't get it all off. I just prayed no one at the table would notice. Most of it was off, though.

When I got home, I left the shoes outside the door. I'm sure our apartment manager isn't too thrilled about that. Anyway, after showering this morning and wearing different clothes and shoes today, of course, I can still smell it at work. I have checked about 20 to 30 times today and there is absolutely nothing on these shoes, of course. It is driving me crazy and making me feel extremely self-conscious today because I think everyone thinks I smell like dog poop.

I hope that none of you were reading this vent post during lunch and that you all have a terrific Labor Day weekend!

Peace,

~b~

Wordless Wednesday

Name That Image

No one guessed this. These are clackers. I used to have bruised knuckles from playing with these. My grandpa even made me a set. Here is the modern, safer version (cheaper, too, I bet, because they are made of plastic):

Let's try another toy. Name the toy and the T.V. program that made them famous:

Here's the boy/girl version:

Have a great weekend!

Peace,

~b~

Today Is A Good Day

Peace,
~b~

Wordless Wednesday

Jumbled Tuesday

I have to do something today that I don't want to do, that I know I need to do, that I really don't want to do, that I know I should do, that I really do want to do but am scared, that I really don't want to do., etc., etc.

So please pray for me because all these Kit-Kats, Hershey's caramel kisses, and Reese's peanut butter cups I am eating are not helping my diet one bit!

If you want to know what it is that I am going to do, please e-mail me, and I will send you to my more private blog.

Peace,
~b~